Joke Archive>>>>> |
| A selection of jokes from
the last few years that I've been featuring my really bad jokes. As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted that they could make the trip south under their own power anymore, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead possums. "Do you wish to check the possums through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The man is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said." You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?" "No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye." During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, an obviously drunk man was standing behind me watching as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly." UNANSWERED QUESTIONS 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a tourist asked. The old man look up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope." As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog." There was a magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good. He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!" The magician chased the bird away. The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!'' The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank. The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot. They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?' A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was composing his last exam for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof." He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to this query. One "A" was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion on average, we can predict that all people and all souls go to hell on average. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Thus, there are two possible conditions: 1. ) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose. -OR- 2. ) If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. We can solve this (de)lemma with the 2005 postulation of Ms. Theresa LeClair, the woman who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining a date with her, I know that condition two has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and therefore that hell is exothermic." What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Student: Because George still had the ax in his hand. Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" Student: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" Teacher: No, that's wrong Student: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. A guy walks into a bar and the bowl of peanut says you look good, nice coat. He asks the bartender what are the peanuts doing. He says they are complementary. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." Went over. Nobody was home. An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that." The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "Okay", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?" says the redneck. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?" This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos in Vegas. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering plate is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings and turn them in. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the Chip Monks.
*Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." Student: I is... Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." Student: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" What's the name of Kim Jung Ill's schizophrenic cousin? Mehn Ta Li Ill For the more immature among us: If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (If you don't get it, say it out loud, but not loudly.) I didn't sleep very well last night. I had a dream I was a muffler, and I woke up exhausted. What side are most of a chicken's feather on? The outside So, a Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor, and the vendor says, "Hey Buddhist Monk, what will you have?" The Buddhist monk replies, "Make me one with everything." Where does a dog go to buy a new tail? A retail store A golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition. "Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win." "Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun, very pleased with his conniving ways, chuckled merrily and helped the golfer win the competition. While the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?" "Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Two fish were in a tank, and one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?" Did you hear about the guy that was killed a couple of days ago? They found him face down in his bathtub which was filled with milk and cheeros. They think it's a ceral killer. So, Jesus and the devil decided that once and for all they would decide the ruler of humanity. This being the age of the Internet and all, they figure the best way to find the winner of this competition for humanity would be a typing contest. So, they go to it. About half way through a thunderstorm comes over and the power goes out. Well, they patiently wait, and the power eventually comes back on. And immediately they get back to it. Satan pauses for a moment and glances over at Jesus, and noticed that while all his stuff was erased, all of Jesus's work was still there. Mortified, and realizing he was going to loose, yells, "What the devil is going on?!" Well, the sky darkens, the earth begins to shake, and a deep voice from the sky says, "Jesus saves." A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The key is not to get attached before you have to cut them. I saw a homeless man get off a bus. How did he know it was his stop? A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." |
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©2004-2010 Michael Battalio
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