A cross-section of jokes from the last few years:
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted that they could make the trip south under their own power anymore, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead possums.
"Do you wish to check the possums through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The man is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said." You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?"
"No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, an obviously drunk man was standing behind me watching as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly."
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
6. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
7. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
8. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
9. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a tourist asked. The old man look up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."
There was a magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!"
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?'
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was composing his last exam for
a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored, and with a
well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet:
"Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to
reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent
reply to this query.
One "A" was awarded.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. The top student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion on
average, we can predict that all people and all souls go to hell on average.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in
hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell
to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. Thus, there are two possible conditions:
1. ) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially
until all hell breaks loose.
-OR-
2. ) If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
We can solve this (de)lemma with the 2005 postulation of Ms. Theresa LeClair,
the woman who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I
have still not been successful in obtaining a date with her, I know
that condition two has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that
condition one is true, and therefore that hell is exothermic."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
Student: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Student: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Student: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
A guy walks into a bar and the bowl of peanut says you look good, nice coat. He asks the bartender what are the peanuts doing. He says they are complementary.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home."
Went over. Nobody was home.
An Irish priest
is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his
bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St
Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia
recently with two ice
chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"Okay", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and
waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?" says the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos in Vegas.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the offering plate is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings and turn them in.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting,
and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks.
*Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Teacher:
Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Student: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
Student: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
Two
cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
What's the name of Kim Jung Ill's
schizophrenic cousin?
Mehn Ta Li Ill
For the more immature among us:
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
(If you don't get it, say it out loud, but not loudly.)
I didn't sleep very well last night. I had a
dream I was a
muffler, and I woke up exhausted.
What side are most of a chicken's feather on?
The outside
So, a Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor, and
the vendor says,
"Hey Buddhist Monk, what will you have?"
The Buddhist monk replies, "Make me one with everything."
Where does a dog go to buy a new tail?
A retail store
A golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil
leprechaun who exploited
the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one
unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a
girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun, very pleased with his
conniving ways, chuckled merrily and helped the golfer win the
competition.
While the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other
members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey,"
said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is
it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two fish were in a tank, and one says to the other,
"How do you drive
this thing?"
Did you hear about the guy that was killed a couple
of days ago?
They found him face down in his bathtub which was filled with milk and
cheeros. They think it's a ceral killer.
So, Jesus and the devil decided that once and for
all they would decide
the ruler of humanity. This being the age of the Internet and
all, they figure the best way to find the winner of this competition
for humanity would be a typing contest. So, they go to it.
About half way through a thunderstorm comes over and the power goes
out. Well, they patiently wait, and the power eventually comes
back on. And immediately they get back to it. Satan pauses
for a moment and glances over at Jesus, and noticed that while all his
stuff was erased, all of Jesus's work was still there.
Mortified,
and realizing he was going to lose, yells, "What the devil is going
on?!"
Well, the sky darkens, the earth begins to shake, and a deep voice from
the sky says, "Jesus saves."
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The
key is not to get attached before you have to cut them.
I saw a homeless man get off a bus. How did he
know it was his stop?
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you
prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die."
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar
with a slab of
asphalt
under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."
|
